At the moment I am very aware of how books have changed me and my relationship with myself, my sexuality, the Church of England, Christianity, and God, half-way though Diarmaid MacCulloch’s recently published Lower than the Angels; A History of Sex and Christianity. It was the phrase “the divine relationship, an audacious transformation” that unlocked the door to an idea I’ve been struggling to develop for several weeks.

From my perspective, we are all compromised by the difficulty we have in freeing ourselves from the corporate, systemic, abusive, unhealthy, persistently homophobic culture of the Church of England. We are all implicated in some way by our inability to confront ‘our’ Church when she is so obviously in a deeply unhealthy state. Numbers are in free fall and people leave or avoid the Church not because they know in detail what the culture is like from the top down but because the Church, national and local, does not communicate a healthy understanding and vision of life, life in all its fulness. From both sides, conservative and progressive, there is a sense of desperation and a depressive mood. Defusing the sexuality debate, healthy as it might be, isn’t a remotely adequate initiative.

How the heck do we get to the end of LLF? Something is required that is more than simply defusing the Sexuality Debate and the Anglican Culture War that we are living with. In my spiritual life, it became more and more obvious to me that I had to do the work myself, to work on myself. Resolving the Church of England’s conflicts over sexuality and gender is still going to take a long time because we are not sufficiently investing in ourselves and developing the conceptual, prophetic, visionary, emotional, theological and spiritual resources necessary for our mutual cosmic salvation.

My faith is of the variety Tim Chesterton identifies as bog-standard Anglicanism in a recent Thinking Anglicans comment. This blog is offered to all “progressive” Church of England people and groups. It is in this bog-standard openness that my personal deep truths and values, inspired by Jesus, the Bible, God and the Holy Spirit, are somehow embedded and expressed, in a Church that was once fluid, open, permissive, generous, adventurous, and broad. But this model is being actively displaced and superseded by a model imposed by the institution and local congregations by the desperate need for survival. They are required to achieve by growth by any means, fuelled by financial resources not available to those pursuing bog-standard Anglicanism – because bog-standard Anglicanism is too radical and scares the horses.

This is a highly personal reflection from a prejudiced position. I’m looking for depth, reflection, contemporary awareness of theology, justice, intelligence, awareness, stillness, contemplation, beauty, goodness, love and wisdom. I have come to the conclusion that the Holy Spirit is failing to update the software and hardware operating systems of faith within the Church of England is supposed to operate and be inspired by.